This time, imagine the Rhino is stuck hosting a mobile home park “town hall” meeting, and things go off the rails as he tries to wrangle his tenants — think Larry David getting flustered while being both the mediator and the target of everyone’s complaints. The tenants are still exaggerated, Sedaris-like characters who get way too personal and bizarre with their grievances, while Rhino tries to maintain sanity.
**Rhino** (standing in front of a cheap podium, adjusting his glasses, looking uncomfortable): *Okay, okay, everyone settle down. We’re here to discuss… issues in the park. Concerns, complaints, you know, all that stuff. Let’s keep it civil, alright? Just… get through this and nobody loses their mind.
Tenant #1 (waving a piece of paper dramatically): Oh, I have a concern, alright! My mailbox was *vandalized*. Again. That’s three times this year. Do you know what it’s like to come home after a long day and see your mailbox hanging there, all sad and broken, like it’s given up on life? It’s *traumatic*, Jason! My bills are in there, my coupon circulars! And now? Just destruction! How are you gonna fix this, huh? Are you gonna mail my letters for me now?
Rhino (holding up a hand, already exasperated): First of all, I didn’t break your mailbox. I’m not out there with a bat at 2 AM, knocking things over like a lunatic. I mean, c’mon, you think I have time for that? But alright, fine, I’ll take care of it. I’ll… get you a sturdier mailbox or something. Reinforced steel. Whatever.
Tenant #2 (huffing): Oh, sure, steel for *him*. Meanwhile, I’ve got raccoons in my shed. They’re living better than I am! Last night, I went to grab my lawnmower, and one of them was sitting in a hammock I didn’t even know I had!
Rhino (sighs deeply, rubbing his temples): *Why does everyone think I’m also the animal control guy? Look, I’m running a park, not a wildlife refuge. I’ll call someone about the raccoons, but — I’m not setting traps myself, okay? That’s not in my skill set.
Tenant #1 (sarcastically): Oh, so you can’t even wrangle a few raccoons? What else aren’t you qualified to do, huh? Manage the park?
Tenant #3 (jumping in dramatically): I just want to know why the community pool still smells like old cheese. It’s supposed to be chlorinated water, Jason, not the French Riviera. I’m out there with my grandkids, and we’re wading through what I can only describe as “essence of expired dairy.
Rhino (waving his hands, panicked): *What are you talking about? I’ve had that pool cleaned twice this month! Twice! There is no cheese smell! It’s a pool, not a cheese shop. You know what? I’ll go sniff it myself after the meeting, but I swear, you people are smelling things that aren’t there.
Tenant #2 (folding arms, looking hurt): *Oh, so now we’re crazy, huh? First you refuse to handle the raccoons, and now we’re hallucinating smells. Real nice. What’s next? You tell us we’re imagining the potholes?*
Rhino (throwing up his hands): *No, the potholes are real. Trust me, I know the potholes are real. I hit one the other day that nearly swallowed my whole car. But listen, I can’t do everything at once! It’s a balancing act here. Potholes, mailboxes, pools that may or may not smell like Gouda —
Tenant #3 (interrupting, hands flying in the air): It’s not Gouda! It’s more like a Brie!
Rhino (staring at the ceiling, muttering): Of course it is.
Tenant #1 (leaning forward): Here’s the thing, Jason. You’ve got all these issues, and we know you’re working on them, but sometimes it feels like you’re, I don’t know, ignoring the little people. Like we’re not a priority.
Rhino (shaking his head): Ignoring? I’m not ignoring anyone! Believe me, I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. The thing is —
Tenant #2 (jumping in again): Oh, do you? Because my raccoons would beg to differ. They’re still lounging in my shed like they own the place.
Rhino (finally snapping, pounding on the podium): *Okay! Everybody just stop for a second! I get it. You all think I’m screwing up. And maybe, *maybe* I’m not running this place like Disneyland. But let me tell you something — this isn’t Disneyland. This is a mobile home park. And I’m doing the best I can. But if you want to know how to treat people better, here’s the deal:
Tenant #1 (leaning in, curious now): Oh, here we go, the grand wisdom.
Rhino (glaring at Tenant #1, then continues): *First off, communication. You gotta tell me what’s wrong before you go off the deep end. Don’t wait until your mailbox is on its last leg to come screaming at me. I’m not a mind reader! Let me know early, and I’ll handle it before it becomes an opera of complaints.
Tenant #3 (nodding, still skeptical): Alright, communicate. Got it. What’s number two?
Rhino (pausing for dramatic effect): *Number two — patience. I’m one guy trying to hold this place together. You can’t expect every pothole, every raccoon, every weird cheese pool smell to get fixed overnight. I’m juggling a million things here, okay? So give me a minute before you call in a SWAT team because your mailbox is a little crooked.
Tenant #2 (muttering): It’s more than crooked, Jason. It’s a metaphor for my life.
Rhino (ignoring him): And third — empathy. Yeah, empathy. I know you’re all dealing with stuff. Your raccoons, your cheese pools, your leaky faucets. But I’ve got stuff, too. You think I don’t have problems? Trust me, I do. So maybe, just maybe, we cut each other some slack, okay?
Tenant #1 (softening, nodding slowly): Alright. Communication, patience, empathy. I guess that’s fair.
Tenant #2** (sighing): *Fine. I’ll stop calling you at 3 AM about the raccoons. But seriously, fix the potholes.
Rhino** (grinning, relieved): You got it. Potholes, raccoons, cheese pool — it’s all getting handled. Slowly. But handled.
Narrator (watching as the crowd disperses): And that’s how it ends. Jason Ramshaw, misunderstood park operator, caught between raccoons and cheesy pools, somehow gets everyone to agree that maybe, just maybe, he’s not the villain here. Sometimes all it takes is a little communication, a lot of patience, and some empathy. And maybe a raccoon eviction or two.
